Over the last few weeks, I have been doing a great deal of soul-searching and thinking and it’s only now that I’ve come to the understanding that I am a child of a narcissistic father and this has impacted me more than I realized. My father always had to be the center of attention (still holds true today) and it didn’t matter at what cost. Things had to be done his way or they wouldn’t be done at all. He would excessively tease and torment his girls to the point that we would either leave the room in tears or lash out at him in anger and then be punished. He had no empathy for anything that we went through and little to no concern for our emotional well-being.
I’ve held him on a pedestal for so long now, that I compared every man in my life to him thinking that he was the type of man I needed in my life, only to now discover that he’s the exact opposite of what I needed. Today, as my eyes are opened to the revelation of what he truly is, the pedestal has crashed to the ground, him along with it.
Some examples of his abuse included:
– he would belittle the people in my life as a child who showed me unconditional love including my grandmother. He was threatened by them.
– at age 9 he moved us 3000 miles away from all that we knew partly because he couldn’t control his partying and running around; only to discover that he was having an ongoing affair with a woman in the place we moved to. He had little patience or even acknowledgement of my pain and grief of losing those close to me and him not being able to fill that void
– he never attended important school events or praised me privately for achievements
– when I expressed at a young age I was feeling alone and depressed he called me “fucking stupid” and punished me
– he has never told me he loves me unless he is intoxicated
– he’s jealous of any time or affection my mother tried to give me
– he insulted my friends and partners
– he mocks my children
– he expects that I will drop everything when he needs my assistance, but is often unwilling to help with even the most minor of tasks himself
– I always feel like I “owe” him
I am only just now realizing the damage that this has caused. Now, I need to take the steps to heal this damage through education, therapy, and setting boundaries. I am worthy, and worth loving.