When you start the recovery process again after a setback, it’s like starting back at the beginning, only this time you have the advantage of knowing what didn’t work the last time. It’s almost like reliving the moving Groundhog Day over and over as I have hit the reset button so many times in my life that I’ve lost count. Go through life’s shit storms….zap! My brain loses it…..reset! Start over.
I secretly envy those people who don’t have to constantly hit the reset button. Those people who set goals and achieve them. Those who face adversity along the way, but they deal, and they stick to their plan. I’m so not that girl. I have had idyllic goals in my head my whole life, but they always felt like daydreams to me. I would lose myself in the imaginary stories of being a career woman as a child….but I had no concrete “plan” or wish for myself.
When my friends were deciding on careers for themselves, or even marrying and settling down to that life, I was lost. I worked to survive, and partied to escape the loneliness and emptiness that I couldn’t stop feeling inside. I couldn’t see a future for myself or decide on a plan because I had no idea who the hell I was. Again, I envied those around me who could follow through on plans and who knew what they wanted and were progressing through this bullshit thing they called life.
At age 22, the role of motherhood was decided for me. The only option I ever considered was having this child – finally! I had a reason and a purpose and someone to love and who would love me unconditionally. THIS would be the thing that I had been missing all my life! I planned and I nested and I excitedly prepared for his arrival. And in those moments they placed him in my arms. I felt love and purpose.
But the emptiness and the loneliness never went away. For years my children gave me purpose and motivation but eventually that was not enough for my mind. After years of repressing emotions and pain, my mind broke terribly apart, along with the little world I had crafted of glass and mirrors. Shattered and broken.
Since then I have tried to put the pieces back together but it’s impossible to do. Some pieces go missing. Some broken beyond repair. Some never meant to be mine again. And I’m back to square one….the beginning of where do I start? Who am I? Where do I belong?
I need to create my own world and fill it with the things and people that I want in it, instead of constantly trying to contort myself to fit into everyone else’s world. The ones who love me will accept me for who I am now, untethered and unashamed. I now know that the universe truly lies within myself.