Today is a sad day for me. I’m not depressed or anxious because of my mental illness which is usually why I experience sad days. Instead it’s because I was let down AGAIN by people I love. Not only people I love, but by people for whom I would do anything for – and have shown that to them over and over. I guess I was wrong for wanting, and even expecting that they would naturally want to reciprocate. After a night and morning of soul searching and reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that they just aren’t wired to do things the way I do. Does that make it acceptable? No. But it does make it somewhat easier to understand.
However, having the ability to understand doesn’t take away the hurt. For most of my life, I have strived to gain the love, acceptance, and approval of those I love. I needed it to validate my existence in this world – a world I often feel distant and excluded from. Why am I here? Is it my destiny to go through life feeling lost and empty?
These feelings stretch long back into my childhood. I always thought there was something wrong with ME, wanting this validation and love. But as I get older, and somewhat wiser, I am realizing that it’s not that I expect to be loved, it’s that I DESERVE to be loved. Unconditionally. I am a kind and generous person who loves fiercely with those closest to me. And it’s not too much to ask to have the same love bestowed upon me in appreciation of all that I do for them.
Underneath the sadness is a great deal of pent up anger and frustration. I have never handled the emotions of anger easily as it makes me uncomfortable and afraid. Anger was never an emotion that I was permitted to feel – in doing so I often suffered great consequences. From an early age, I learned to suppress my anger so not to have what little love and affection I was shown taken away. This has carried on into my adult life and it’s something I continue to struggle with.
It’s just not fair that those I love not only can expect my generosity, kindness and support, but that they have come to take it for granted, without offering the same in return. I’m a simple girl who doesn’t ask for material things – I just want them to make me a priority in their lives and to occasionally make sacrifices to accommodate me.
I don’t know how the next few days will unfold as I do plan to finally try to express my feelings of sadness and disappointment. I expect that I will be met with resistance and denial and there may even be some attempts at gaslighting to make me feel like I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do.
But I deserve more. So much more.