It’s been so long since I wrote something that I have forgotten where I was …..so much has changed in the last year as I work towards achieving a recovery for myself. For so long, I wished that I could back to who I was before my psychotic break and I spent a lot of time trying to do so. It’s only been the last year that I have accepted that I don’t want to be that person. I want to be who I’m happiest being.
I returned to work after a two year hiatus, but instead of returning to my former employer, I made the decision and took a huge leap of faith to start with a new employer. Gone was my safety net of accessing disability if I needed it and I have to admit I was shitting my pants – convinced that I would not be able to handle working full time. But to my surprise, not only am I handling it, I’m kicking it’s ass!
I have also been successful at maintaining stronger personal boundaries for myself. I’ve learned to put myself first and in doing so, I have more to offer others. The relationships that I do have are getting stronger and I don’t feel the need to hide behind a mask anymore. If I’m experiencing anxiety or depression, I let people know that and I take the time I need to get through it. I’ve stopped telling myself that I need to be everything for everyone because that’s where I believed my self worth came from. I need to everything for me.
Physically, I am facing some new challenges, after neglecting my health for so many years as I struggled to survive mental illness. People don’t understand how much of a toll it takes on us – emotionally, spiritually and physically. Not to mention financially! I am however focused on improving my physical well-being as I continue to strive towards a place of wellness that I deserve.
I am proud of the hard work and dedication that I put in over the years. Countless hours of therapy, a few hospitalizations and a desire to achieve stability. I will never say that I beat mental illness, because I’m well aware that it’s a lifelong battle, but I will say that it hasn’t beaten me yet.
Love and light,