After a setback in November 2015 that landed me in the hospital for a week and saw me once again being unable to work, I’m now preparing myself for another comeback. I’ve spent 2016 working hard to be the best me that I can be, mentally and physically and it’s time to take on the world again. I have to admit that a part of me is scared – what if I fail? But there’s a bigger part of me that says I must try.
Managing my illness takes a great deal of energy and resiliency. Depression doesn’t just go away. Mine is resistant to treatment and I never know when an episode will hit me, leaving me with suicidal thoughts and in the deepest pits of despair. It’s not like having “the blues” and you can just snap out of it. It’s a chemical imbalance that I have no control over – all I can do is manage the symptoms and use the skills I’ve learned from years of therapy to not act on my suicidal thoughts.
I also have an illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which makes regulating emotions difficult. I am impulsive and sensitive and sometimes have difficulties in tolerating distress or stress. With therapy, I have managed to learn skills that help me handle this better and with practice I feel more confident each day managing my BPD.
I have managed to stay active with my volunteer work with mental health during my time away from work, which has been beneficial to my feeling like I have a sense of purpose. Even though I couldn’t give as much as I wanted due to my limitations, it did keep my mind busy and give me fulfillment. I plan to stay with them even after returning to work.
So here’s to another comeback. Ready to jump in and grab life back. Because for me, life is about always trying to be the best me that I can be.