Kill The Mole

Yesterday, I decided to give my husband a peek inside my brain and took him along a trip of my distorted thinking, all in hopes of enlightening him on the differences between the way our minds work. He was open to going down into the tunnel with me and afterwards, our discussion went something like this: 

“Your mind is full of tunnels”, he said to me, with a bewildered look upon his face. He looked dishevelled and confused after we had taken the long journey of following MY train of thought on a subject and all the feelings and emotions that I was experiences with those thoughts and he was shocked when I asked him to imagine having multiple thoughts like that all at the same time. He couldn’t fathom it and for the first time, I could see a genuine empathy for what it must be like for me. 

I went on to explain to him that I feel like I have a mole that lives in my brain, constantly digging holes for me to fall into. I keep working hard at therapy and self care to fill the holes, but this mole is persistent at digging new ones. And I am exhausted at feeling like I just can’t keep up with this tenacious little creature in my mind. 

We laughed and said he had to refer to me as “Holy Moly” from now on, but there was a sadness mixed in with that humour. I even joked that I needed Bill Murray from Caddyshack to blow up the mole holes but then he’d probably blow up my brain too and the collateral damage would be too much. You have to laugh at yourself sometimes to get through. 

I talked about my mole today at group therapy. And when I did, I came to realize that I need to kill the mole. No mole, no holes. I must become an assassin. So now, I plot. 

I think the best strategy to killing the mole is to starve it. If I stop feeding it all the negative self-hate talk that it thrives on, it’ll start to get sick. Combine that with compassion and self-love and that mole is gonna be toast. 

Now that I have a mission, I feel a purpose in my therapy. I can visualize an outcome for my mind. It sounds crazy but HOLY MOLY, I think it might be the trick! 

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About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
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