A Tsunami of Emotions

It’s been a long time since I posted. For awhile, it was simply because I had been so busy with life in a good way that I just never seemed to have anything to say. In May of 2016, I helped put together another successful semicolon event in Edmonton, helping to raise money and awareness for mental health. Shortly after this, my world began to crumble. 

Personally, I had to undergo surgery for a women’s issue that took six weeks to heal. I have a doctors appointment today for a check up and to reschedule part two of another surgery which will again take 6 weeks to heal. In addition to this, I contracted a cold and flu virus that knocked me out for three weeks and despite a round of antibiotics, has since resurfaced as of yesterday and I’m back to feeling the same symptoms. So back to another doctor for a check up. With this virus came a severe ear infection that has left my ears feeling plugged and I’ve lost my sense of hearing in one ear, effectively closing me off from most of the world. This has only increased my feelings of isolation. In order to hear anything properly, I must use headphones, which puts me into my own little world most of the time. And when I’m lost in my own little world, trouble can happen. 

I’m eleven and 1/2 weeks sober today. I’m proud of that because the last few weeks have proven to be the most difficult yet this summer. My son, as many of you know, wrestles with drug addiction. He was recently hospitalized for a severe infection in his arm, to the point that they didn’t know if they’d be able to keep his arm or not. It’s still touch and go, with surgeries every other day to try and clean out the bacteria in hopes of saving the arm. And then he has skin grafts and rehabilitation to look forward to so it looks like a 4-6 week hospital stay. 

He’s fortunate to be in a country where his health care is covered by the province. He’s lucky to have a medical team dedicated to his care and working tirelessly to save his arm. Unfortunately, he has an illness that works against him most of the time and he often is argumentative with the staff and resistant to following the rules needed to take proper care of his arm. It becomes increasingly difficult to visit and remain calm and steady through his various tirades, knowing that I’m helpless to help him. He’s an adult now, and fully within his rights to make his own choices regarding his medical care. 

As a mother, I just want what’s best for him. As a protector of my own well-being, I need what’s best for me. Right now, I’m finding the balance between showing him love, compassion and empathy while establishing and maintaining my boundaries about what is and what isn’t acceptable behaviour for me to tolerate. But it’s a slippery slope to be on. The constant see-saw of emotions is starting to wear me down. 

And now, I found out last night that one of the antibiotics they were using to battle the infection is one that my son is allergic to. This has now affected his kidneys on top of everything else. So they are now treating his kidneys and trying to find another antibiotic to treat his arm. It’s like one thing on top of another. 

I feel overwhelmed with everything, yet my crash hasn’t happened yet. I always manage to make it through the shit storm somehow and then come crashing to the floor afterwards and that’s what’s got me so anxious now. Knowing that the relapse is coming. The preventative work I’m doing right now is simply keeping me from collapsing right now – I don’t know what will happen once the tsunami passes. 

I’m scared of that time. 

About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
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