I hate my illness today. Most days I manage it and while it’s cumbersome, for most times, it doesn’t have me in a chokehold. Until today. From the time I woke up at 2:00 am, 5:00 am and 7:00 am, it’s been screaming in my ear.
“You’re not worthy of loving anyone Bitch” is its favourite one. And with its hurling of words, it shows me all the painful times that I have lost the love of others. Over and over again. It likes to replay it so I can’t run away from its message.
Another favourite is “you have no one” and the truth is while I do have a husband who’s my best friend, he’s it. I don’t have a best friend otherwise. No family to turn to any longer. No one that would come and sit with me while I cry. My illness laughs at my misery.
Today has been a day alternating between being away and dealing with intrusive thoughts of suicide and endless pain or numbing myself enough to sleep it all away. My illness laughs at all the coping skills I throw its way, dodging them effectively and refusing to go away.
I hate that I don’t feel like a whole person and that parts of me are missing and empty. There’s voids inside of me that no amount of therapy, love or kindness can seem to fill. I’ve tried so many things and I’m tired. Will the illness defeat me today?
I survived another rocky night to awaken this morning to the same contemptuous feelings for myself. Stupid brain! Stupid feelings! Stupid BPD! The desire to run away is just as prevalent as it was two days ago and I’m disheartened at the thought of another difficult day of digging through my toolbox to counteract what my mind is trying to do to me.