I’m well aware that all the signs are there of my falling into a depression again and I hate this feeling. The isolating, the confusion, getting lost in my thoughts as time just slips by and I lose track of what day it is. I have a treatment plan and have called in the troops for support, but man, you just get tired of the emotional upheavals that come with mental illness. I have major depressive disorder, and borderline personality disorder along with anxiety. I’m used to living with it and work hard to cope with the challenges the best I can and remain positive as I work towards recovery for myself.
But, seriously, there’s some days when I don’t want to be positive. I want to be pissed off that I’ve got this bullshit illness that robs me of so much!! I’m tired of being complacent and quiet about the life that got dealt to be and being ashamed about it. Like there’s something wrong with me.
There’s nothing WRONG with me. There’s something wrong with the physiological way my organic brain works. That doesn’t make me as a human, defective. That doesn’t give others the right to be dismissive of me or my ideas. That doesn’t give people the right to pass judgement on how I choose to treat my illness or live with it.
I hate the depression most of all. The never-ending sadness that permeates me. The emptiness that surrounds me. The fog I get lost in endlessly. I feel almost nothing when I’m here, but I lose so much in exchange. When I’m in this place, I’m not living – just existing in some cold dark netherworld. I see my loved ones and I ache to interact with them, but I’m trapped in here.
To not feel anything after feeling everything so intensely is a relief. It’s my mind’s way of dealing with extreme highs and lows that I experienced over the last few months. With emotional dysregulation, I wasn’t able to process the emotions completely before the next wave hit, and things built up until my mind decided for me that I was going to do it. I think that’s why I fall into a depression.
So once again, here I am. Reset required. Begin again.