I feel like I live most of my life this way – on the edge of something. I never know if it’s going to be a fall down into the rabbit hole that I’m going to have to claw my way back out of, or a leap into something exciting and wonderful. Maybe it’s both.
As a self-proclaimed “stuffer” of emotional baggage and unresolved conflict, I subconsciously push myself into the very hole I desperately try to avoid. You’d think after 10 years of therapy and self-reflection, I’d have a better grasp at handling my emotions, but that’s the nature of Borderline Personality Disorder. Regulating emotion and managing distress are extremely difficult for me to manage, along with the gift of poor impulse control. So I fall into old unhealthy habits easily as a way to cope. And here goes the slide to the rabbit hole. Or in this case, the fall off the cliff.
I see all the red flags and have assembled my support team to help me come up with a recovery plan that will put me back on track again. It’s going to take time and I’m sure many more life lessons will be learned during this climb back up to wellness. And it is then that I will once again be leaping into something wonderful and exciting.
Recovery is not linear. There’s setbacks and missteps along the way. I don’t even know the way – I’m making it up as I go along. I just know that I am not going to stay long in the rabbit hole this time.