I knew this time was going to be difficult. I knew that I was stuffing everything that had been happening since September into a place in my mind and detaching myself as best as I could from the pain and trauma it was causing me. It was my go to strategy when faced with bullshit. I call it “ghosting” because most of the time, I’m not even really present in my life during this. It’s when I feel myself living different lives.
I dug out the masks again, depending on them to get me through without a serious breakdown. At least, to everyone else it appeared that I wasn’t having a breakdown. In my mind, I was a mess. I hate those masks. I thought that I had gotten rid of them for good, but it turns out that I had only put them away.
I hate my illness. I hate the pain and that trauma that has been happening over the last 8 months that has hurt me so deeply. I hate what has been taken from me and what I have lost. Most of all, I seem to hate me. And I hate that I hate me.
When you have BPD, there’s this chronic emptiness that lives with you, no matter what you try to fill it up with. In a room full of people, I feel alone. When I am alone, I feel as if I don’t exist at all. I think that’s why so many of us try to fill up on other things – food, alcohol, drugs or sex – anything to make us feel like we exist.
The voices are getting stronger now and thoughts more prevalent. This always happens when the depression comes calling. They start out as whispers, saying that “it won’t matter if you’re gone” and “the pain will stop”. I hate those voices because I know they’re wrong and it’s just the depression talking because I DO remember what it feels like to experience joy and happiness and these voices are liars! But they don’t stop just because I hate them. I can’t make them go away and they refuse to be stuffed anymore.
It’s time now to deal with the trauma and the pain. To experience the emotions of all that has happened to me and grieve what has been lost. To nurture my broken and battered soul and show myself the love and compassion I so willingly give to others.
How am I going to do this? I’m going to start with a plan to get on track.
1. See my medical team. I have appointments booked with my family doctor, psychiatrist and psychologist to come up with a plan for getting my mental and physical health on track.
2. Build my supports. I am starting a peer support group in my community. I don’t want to commute to the city for services so why not build them here.
3. Build play into my day. I’m looking at ways to find hobbies or activities that bring me pleasure. I started colouring today!
4. Talk about it. I’m sharing my feelings and thoughts openly with trusted friends. I’m blogging and expressing myself through my pages.
5. Keep walking. Even when I sometimes take a few steps back, I keep walking. Over time I have moved forward and will continue to do so. Move forward to a life without masks.
To any of you fighting the battle with mental illness, I wish you strength and perservance on your journey. I respect that we all have our own unique path to walk and our goals are not the same. What I want out of life may not be the same for you. My hope for all of you is that you find peace and contentment.