I can’t even begin to describe this day. Overwhelming. Exhausting. Surreal. I feel like a zombie living in someone else’s body lately. Like, who is this person that is doing all that I’m doing? How is she surviving what’s going on around her? I talked to my psychiatrist today and I told him I feel like a ghost – like I’m not really present in my life – I don’t know what he made of it – usually I’m so dead on with the insight into myself and lately, I just don’t know anymore.
I’m going through trauma and I know this is shell shock. My body’s natural reaction to severe pain and emotional distress. To detach and distance myself as I fall down the rabbit hole of darkness. I can feel myself tumbling – powerless to stop it as my defences of fight or flight kick in. I feel like I’ve been so strong for so long and I don’t know how much more I can withstand. Everything around me is collapsing and I’m madly swirling trying to hold on.
I don’t want to fall but I feel helpless. I want someone to make this pain go away. It sits on my chest and at times its unbearable to even breathe. When I let myself succumb to the emotional release, I feel so alone and scared and afraid that I won’t be able to withstand this pain any longer.
I’m not always strong and I don’t know what I’m doing. This emotional pain is unbearable and the sad part is, there’s no painkiller for it. Just endurance and willpower to make it through. Ride the wave. One foot in front of the other.
Even thought right now I’m not feeling strong and I may be thinking that I’m defeated, I try to remind myself that storms pass.