Guardian of My Past 

To deal with painful memories that are from a result of past trauma in my life, I’ve created a special room in my mind to contain all of them. I imagine this room to be a library of sorts and there’s this old and dusty woman who has the tedious task of sorting through what I toss in there and keeping it organized. I don’t envy her job at all! She’s become the guardian of my past and I trust her implicitly and to date she’s never given me any reason not to. 

I don’t think she started out old. She was first created when I was around nine and felt the trauma of losing my entire extended family all at once when we moved 3000 miles away. She set up shop inside a little corner of my mind and appointed herself the keeper of my pain. She even created a magical door for me to see when I had to venture there with yet another painful experience to give her. 

  
She was young back then, and she always welcomed me with warm arms and a friendly smile when I had to come and visit. She knew that while I had to leave my memories here so I could go on living my life, there’d be times I would have to enter and visit the memories. Whether it was to gain some insight into a new challenge or because I couldn’t help myself from reliving the experiences over again, she never judged my reasons for stopping by. 

The room is quite full now but she has it organized so well. The memories that have faded and don’t hurt so much are now tucked further away into the archives. I know that she’d find them if I really needed them, but she also keeps me safe from them as well. 

The recent ones, or the ones that cause me the most pain are locked in this room and only she has the key. When I enter, she surrounds me with love and compassion and we talk first about why I want to access that memory. If it’s to gain some personal growth and it will help me, she carefully unlocks the memory and gently hands it to me, all the while standing by my side to give me strength. If it’s to punish myself and it will hurt me, she asks me to come another day. 

I feel a sense of calm and order knowing that my memories are safe in this room and contained and watched over by my guardian. 

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About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
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