I feel like a mess. One big sloppy pile of a shit show most days, barely held together. I honestly question sometimes my ability to continue functioning with all that is thrust upon my plate. I try to practice one of my DBT skills of reminding myself that others have even more significant challenges in life, and we have it within us to dig deep and overcome our obstacles, but on the long, hard days that come one after another, that shit doesn’t fly. When you’re beat up emotionally, it’s harder and harder to push through.
And man, I’ve been through the grinder this last year. Been riding this insane roller coaster non-stop and am nauseated beyond belief. I gave up begging for the ride to stop awhile ago and have moved into accepting that this is the nature of my life. At least for right now. It would be easier though if the ride wouldn’t keep changing the track though!!
From the high of successfully returning to work after a two year absence to the devastating low of once again relapsing and no longer being able to work, I enjoyed great success and endured tremendous grief within a few short months. I have always loved to work and losing that to my illness is losing a huge part of my identity. It’s not fair and I’m angry that my illness has robbed me once again.
I feel like I had a great eight months last year and was on track to achieving many of my goals. And now it feels like I’ve been knocked back about 10 steps and I’m looking at trying to just regain my footing again and I’m frustrated. I know that recovery is not linear but it’s still ok to feel frustrated and angry at the process. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be angry at though so I often run the risk of turning that anger inward. Perhaps writing it here will release some of it to the universe.
So while I’m not back to square one, I do have some footing to regain. And that’s where bravery comes in. Be brave enough to peel this broken body up off the floor yet again and keep trying. Time to gather the broken bits and put myself together again.
I am a mess. A beautifully designed chaotic mess of gorgeous.