I’m letting you in to peek inside my thoughts I had last night. To me, this is what “normal” thinking feels like inside my brain. To those of you who relate, take solace that you’re not alone and we are our own kind of normal. For those of you that can’t relate, I hope you gain a compassion and an understanding that everyone is unique and that’s the only thing that’s really “normal”.
My brain tends to think of dying a lot. Since I was around nine, I play out various scenarios where I die. Role playing fantasies where I could escape. I’ve planned every type of funeral for myself and written dozens of obituaries. This probably sounds odd to the average person, but to me, this is just ordinary thinking.
As an adolescent, there were just thoughts of death, but later in my teens came the ones of suicidal ideation. Now I became consumed with the idea of being the one to determine when and how I would go. Simply having that knowledge and power actually kept me from acting on those thoughts during this time. This was the time they were actually the quietest.
In my early thirties, thoughts of death and dying became louder and more frequent. I began to fantasize more and more about escaping my pain and my ideation turned into an attempt.
After my failed attempt, I became more strategic in my thinking and developed other plans. I always had a couple “options” on my list. The voices calmed for awhile but in crisis resurfaced again. And again, I responded with an attempt.
You’d think that I wouldn’t be thinking of death anymore. But it’s still there. I have to let my doctors know my plans (cuz there’s always a plan) and what my safety plan is to not act on that plan.
In having a conversation with my husband last night, he informed me that one of my strategies wouldn’t work (for logistical reasons) and I had to remove it from my list of options. Now I have to strategize to replace that option because I like choices. You might think this whole post disturbing and morbid, but it’s just a peek.