Wow. I put a Christmas tree up this year. Huge step for me as I haven’t put one up for years. You see, I hate the holiday. Literally, the moment I start to see that damn fat red-suited bastard hawking his wares, my anxiety starts to rise. I know that soon I will surrounded by annoying Christmas music, intense commercialism screaming about how perfect everything has to be and the demand that people spend money they don’t have to prove they love people they probably really don’t think about all that much.
I admit, trauma at this time of year as a child tainted me for the season and I’ve been bitter ever since. 34 years of detesting this time of year but grinding my teeth and pushing through it year after year. There was a period when my children were small that I remember enjoying the times with them and making the time magical for them. I treasure those memories.
A therapist recently told me to be present in the moment so I can have a better future and create better memories. Today was a day like that. My son and my husband spent an enjoyable afternoon working together to put up our own unique tree. This is the first Christmas I’ve spent with my son in about 10 years and the enormity of it does not escape me. It’s time to make better memories.
It’s a step.