Twenty years ago, I anxiously awaited your arrival into this world. I had felt you grow inside me for the past few months, and while terrified myself at the thought of being responsible for another human being, I couldn’t wait for you to get here. It was going to be just you and me kiddo. I was going to be the best mom I knew how to be because at the end of the day, I loved you more than I had loved anything else in my life before.
When they finally laid you in my arms, and I got to look at your beautiful face and eyes for the first time, my heart soared with joy. Here was this little human being that needed me and I needed him. I already envisioned our lives together, forever.
I watched you grow into an adorable young tyke, a boy with no fear. You took on the world with determination and bravery that took my breath away. You were a whirlwind of a boy and all the magic that comes with that. We created wonderful memories of lazy afternoons playing cars on the carpet to activity filled swimming sessions where I’d boldly toss you over and over into the water as you’d shriek with delight and come back for more.
I watched you become a loving and compassionate boy who would bring home stray animals and beg to give them some place to stay. I saw you become a friend to others as you started to play hockey and enjoy the thrill of being part of a team. My world was you and you were my world.
And then the darkness struck us. I watched you lose yourself in the pain and loneliness of addiction. I watched myself get lost in my illness. It was like a black cloud of despair had descended on our lives and we were both lost from one another. The storm was like a hurricane, ripping through our home, destroying everything in its path. I feel like we lose each other in those storms and we’ve been spending the last 10 years looking for each other and ourselves.
The day they put you in my arms, I never imagined that I’d lose you so soon. I pictured having all the time in the world with you to make memories with you that would make both our lives beautiful and enriched. For the last 10 years, I have mourned on November 12 for I grieved the loss of the relationship I had.
My hope is that this year, I’ll be in a place to find hope on November 12th. To start making new memories and picking up the pieces and rebuilding. A mother never stops loving her children and a child is never too old to need their mom.
I love you son. I believe in you. I’m gonna help you as you save yourself.