This is going to be one of my most personal and powerful posts to date as I feel an overwhelming urge to get my thoughts and feelings out of my chaotic mind and out into the Universe. My world is spinning once again madly out of control and I’m desperately trying to hang on. Today has proven to be one of the more challenging days. Let me start from a while back.
If you follow my blog, many of you will know that I’ve been working so hard towards recovery and great things have been happening in my life because of my hard work. I returned to work full time after a two year absence battling my illness and have been achieving great success. I love my job and the people I work with and feel valued and supported. I’m building relationships and friendships. I’ve also been volunteering my time to help raise awareness and funds for mental health causes in my community and I know that I’m making a real difference. I feel such a sense of purpose when I’m doing this work and it contributes so much to my overall wellness.
I started developing these amazing friendships with people that were kind, loving, compassionate and giving. I was surrounding myself with love and joy and life was good.
And suddenly, the triggers began. Addiction. Trauma. Grief. Loss. Over and over they pummelled at me, wearing me down. Each time, I’d go back to those times of trauma and relive that same pain and sadness over and over. I can’t seem to catch my breath in between anymore without the feelings of intense despair washing over me.
I know to practice my skills and that these emotions will pass, but right now, here in THIS moment, they’re so intense and powerful. Even frightening. Because this is where the mental illness sometimes takes over and wants to go to the dark place. I’m fighting it with all my might and I’m sure I’ll win – but I’ll be left battle weary and vulnerable for the next wave when it inevitably hits.
And then, I get so angry. Life is so unfair. How many times do I have to pick up the goddamn pieces and start over? Why the fuck does this keep happening to me? And I don’t even know who to be angry at, so I lash out at everyone and hide away in my room. Leave me alone world!
Soon after anger comes the depression and resignation of “here we go again” as I muster the courage and energy to get back on the hamster wheel, ever hopeful that THIS time, that wheel is going to take me to magical places.
And for awhile it does. Until triggers.