I Win The Fight 

I haven’t written in a long time and that’s probably because I’ve been incredibly busy that life’s been a whirlwind! I’ve hardly had time to catch my breath and today was a day that I was tested to my limits and then some. I have to take time and thank every single therapist that I have had in my life that has prepared me for days just like this! And trust me, there’s been a lot! 

I was reckless today and my impulsivity was in full force and it created some chaos for me and I’m still trying to deal with the fallout of it all.  Damn this mental illness that continues to remind me that it lives on in me – on days where I am vulnerable, it can sometimes win. Today for example, I was tired. I had had a shitty night’s sleep and was up at 4:30 am to face my day. Work was a bit chaotic and family matters were knocking at my door. 

I’m a person that naturally reaches out to help others when I see them struggling, without stopping to think of the effect it may have on myself and others who love me and today I acted impulsively and did just that. And now I’m left to consider the impact that decision is having on my own mental stability and health. Can anyone say triggers? 

I’m using those tricks I learned in therapy over the years to see myself through this emotional storm and riding out the waves that come with it. I managed to reaffirm boundaries that fit better to where I needed to be with myself and still be healthy. I reached out to friends for support and talked out my feelings instead of holding everything in. I recognized that I needed to take a step back and put myself first. 

You may have won the day mental illness, but I win the fight. 

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About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
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