On Wednesday morning I was feeling great. Went to my psychiatry appointment and reported that I felt like I was strong and confident and had made it through yet another storm in my life relatively well. I had stopped taking clonazapam for my anxiety and had even not taken any Ativan for the last week. Later that day I had lunch with a friend and then a psychology appointment, both which I thought went well.
Thursday morning comes and I’m in the midst of a full-blown episode of depression. Like completely out of nowhere it hits me like a Mack truck. I’m feeling alone and paralyzed by the despair. I have no desire to connect with anyone and all I want to do is withdraw into myself. I spend the day lost inside my mind, edgy and uncomfortable, but try that evening to pretend that all is ok.
Friday brings with it more of the same feelings of being sad and withdrawn and this day I spend mostly in bed. It’s like there’s some dark forces at play and I feel powerless to their games. I find myself getting more and more irritated with everyone around me and the tears don’t want to stop flowing. The thing is, I don’t even know what I’m feeling sad about. All I know is that I feel sad, withdrawn, lonely and afraid. I can barely function to get through the day.
By the time Saturday comes around, I’m tired of myself. I try to make plans to go out for the evening but those fall through after an attempt to explain my feelings of withdrawal to my husband turns into an all out war. Saturday evening instead is spent alone, crying into my pillow. Ativan has resumed being my companion in the dark night. Sunday brings more of the same loneliness and emptiness as I spend the day mindlessly watching tv alone, alternating between napping. I don’t want to be around anyone or connect with people like I normally do.
So here I sit, Monday morning. A whole week ahead of me and I’m still feeling depressed, alone, sad and withdrawn. I hate depression and how it can just pop up out of nowhere and wreak havoc in my life. I hate having BPD and not knowing what triggered an intense emotional reaction in me. I hate these feelings that I have and constantly having to try to find the right coping skill to deal with what’s happening, just so I don’t fall down the rabbit hole.
Sometimes, the rabbit hole looks inviting. Sometimes I just want to get lost in the depths of my mind and lose myself completely. Let my mind take me where it wants to go. I get so tired sometimes of constantly fighting to stay upright and balanced. It’s hard to have to fight to do the right thing when your mind wants you to do something else. My mind is screaming at me to just let go and be free, but that would come at a huge expense.
Sometimes, like right now, the rabbit hole is calling my name.