I am so done with December. What a month this is proving to be to get through. One crisis after another it seems and I feel like I’m stuck in one of those stupid little snowglobes and someone keeps madly shaking it. Just once, put it down and forget about it for a while so I can catch my breath.

Emotionally, I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. I was on such a high dose of antidepressants for so long that it had deadened my emotions. And now, I feel them with such intensity – too much intensity. The way I used to feel them back in 2006 and it frightens me. I try to remember that since then I’ve gained a great deal of coping skills through the various therapies I’ve taken and I have an awareness that I didn’t have before so I’m more prepared this time around, but I still feel like I’m careening towards a breakdown. Like a big crash is looming just around the corner.

Physically, my body feels sluggish and drained from the constant battle of my emotional struggles. I rarely feel happy these last few weeks, nor do I have the energy to do much more than just survive. I am grateful that the depression has not decided to make an appearance via a fibro flare up thus far. My appetite is still somewhat healthy and I’m trying to eat regularly. I’m getting plenty of rest and taking my meds as prescribed and have a psychiatry appointment tomorrow. I don’t believe that the current antidepressant I’m on is working for me so I’m hopeful he will have something else for me to try. Feeling a bit like a guinea pig, but so it goes when tweaking medications.

Spiritually, I’m doing my best to nurture my soul. I’m reaching out to the people that love me as I work my way through. I’m doing my best to show myself the same compassion I would show them. Many of my friends are struggling themselves right now, and it helps me to support them during their times of need. It gives me purpose and comfort. One very dear friend is in a very dark place right now and has chosen to isolate from me and it’s painful. I love her and want her to know that I will always be here for her.

So to whoever has the snowglobe, kindly stop shaking it now.



About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
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