Waiting for new medications to start working requires patience. Something that I appear to be lacking today. I am feeling very agitated this afternoon and it’s moments like this that I get the most frustrated with my illness. I can usually deal with the emotions that I’m familiar and comfortable with, like sadness and guilt, but I struggle to cope with irritation and anger.
I know this goes back to when I was young and expressing anger was wrong. I developed a distorted belief that anger was a “bad” emotion and over the years this was reinforced by various traumas and incidents that happened. I still hold on to that distorted belief that getting mad is not allowed, so when the feeling creeps in now, I’m at a loss at what to do with it.
I’m working on it. Accepting that anger is a healthy emotion and it can motivate me to make changes and right injustices. I’m trying to figure out ways to express it in ways that allow me to still maintain the important relationships in my life. I’m beginning to believe that people will still love me, even if I get angry with them, or at something they do.
Today, it’s not about something anyone has done to me though and that’s why I’m struggling so much I think. I’m just cranky and irritable and I believe it’s got to do with the fact that I’m withdrawing from one anti-depressant that I’ve been on for eight years and just starting a new one at a very low dose and I’m feeling the effects of this medication change. I’m not really liking myself today and I’m wondering how the heck anyone else is going to like me?
When these thoughts come into my mind, I try to gently remind myself that it’s ok for me to have cranky days. I don’t have to be mean, but I don’t have to be a ray of sunshine all the time either. People will still love me. Because the people that matter, accept me for all my moods. And that’s what matters most. When I do that, it takes away a lot of my anxiety about being angry.