I’m feeling all sorts of feelings right now and it’s definitely throwing me for a loop this afternoon! Let me begin by giving you a quick synopsis of my complicated life:
1. I just was discharged on the 18th of June from an intense 3 week in-hospital concurrent disorders treatment program to help me better cope with my mental illness and addiction issues. While I am certainly feeling healthier and stronger than I have in a very long time, i do recognize that I am still quite fragile and I try to practice compassion with myself as I continue on my journey to recovery.
2. I’m a mother to two wonderful children. I have a seventeen year old daughter that lives with me and my husband and I also have a son who is eighteen and he lives with his father in New Brunswick, about 3000 miles away from me. I’ve struggled with the relationship with my son and it’s not been a good relationship for either of us. I haven’t seen him in four years and I am still grieving losing him.
There’s more to me than just this but the above information will help you to understand what’s happening for me right now.
My children mean the world to me but I don’t know if I’ve always shown it to them. Part of my illness has been always wearing a mask to cover up pain and hurt that I didn’t know how to deal with and at times this meant wearing a mask of coldness or being aloof. I know I am a good mom and I showed my children love and kindness and goodness but perhaps a part of me was always holding something back of myself……not as a way to hurt them, but as a way to protect myself.
I find myself wondering these thoughts because I received some news yesterday that set my world spinning. My son, who I hadn’t seen in four years, who I hadn’t had a relationship with in that length of time, was coming to Alberta.
I was shocked. To be honest, I wasn’t ready. I was feeling overwhelmed at the thought that there was just no way I could take on his struggles and needs….I was barely able to take care of myself right now. I was in shock.
But he was an adult and I could stop him. And the old familiar tug of the heart strings began…..I couldn’t outright reject him again…..that would be cruel and unkind. Slowly I began to accept the reality that my son was coming back and he wanted to see me. And I began to feel a sense of happiness. And I held on to that happiness and decided to embrace it. My son was coming home!! And no matter what had happened in the past, he wanted to see me. And it was ok to get excited about that.
I’m nervous as hell…..he will land in a few hours and he wanted his sister to pick him up at the airport so still awhile before I see him but I am excited at seeing the young man I’ve been missing for so long.