I have that old Air Supply song “All Out of Love” playing in my mind, except it’s saying “I’m all out of sorts!” Imagine this saying going on a continuous loop in your brain and you’ll begin to understand why madness sometimes strikes! Since getting the call that I would be entering treatment in 14 days, my mind has wavered between being all out of sorts to feeling almost numb. I’m trying to get my mind to somewhere in the middle but I have to admit I’m struggling right now.
On one hand, I’m excited to be going. Whenever I have been in hospital for treatment, it’s the only time that I have allowed myself to focus on healing myself. I seem to forget those skills when I’m coping with real life everyday struggles until it gets to the point that I have to be hospitalized. I’m going to set one of my goals in therapy as working at stopping this pattern.
But on the other hand, I feel an immense sense of guilt for “leaving” my loved ones to focus on me. I feel ashamed of the illness that causes these situations and I have to work really hard at telling myself that I didn’t ask for this illness and I’m managing it the best way I know how. To cope with these feelings of shame and guilt, I remind myself of the fact that I cannot continue to be a source of strength and compassion to those I love if I don’t take care of myself.
I’m feeling all out of sorts because there’s a million things that I want to get taken care of before I go and I have no idea where to begin. I know that I should make a list and then just tackle one thing at a time but even making the list seems like an insurmountable task right now.
I don’t think I would be feeling as apprehensive and anxious as I am if I knew that things with people I loved were stable. However, someone I love and support dearly is struggling and I’m scared that she might not be ok when I’m gone. Initially when I got the call to go to treatment, I turned it down and said “Now is not a good time” but within seconds I had called back and said yes. I can’t predict the future and I had to stop thinking of waiting for the right time when it was staring me in the face.
I’m not regretting my choice to go. I need this to heal and move forward in my recovery. I need to show myself the same love and compassion that I show to others. I’m doing this to be the best me I can be.