I’ve been aware that I have Major Depression and BPD since 2006. In that time, I’ve spent endless amounts of time learning about the illnesses and researching what the best treatments are. I’ve had to be an advocate for myself in getting services that I need to maintain and improve my mental health.
BPD is a complex disorder that requires intensive therapies and sometimes medications. Presently, I take a combination of anti-depressants to help combat the symptoms of my depression and have been working very closely with my psychiatrist to “tweak” the dosages.
I’ve undergone numerous therapies including Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and various other weekly group programs. I’ve accessed the services of an individual therapist but have yet to find the one that I can work with on a longer term basis as so far, they usually been short-term sessions.
Today I got the call that I’ve been waiting for since January. I will be going to a treatment centre for those with dual diagnosis or complex mental health issues. I certainly fit that criteria! Since getting the call this morning, my emotions have been all over the place, going from excited and happy to scared and worried. It’s like riding a roller coaster that just doesn’t want to come to a stop and I’m doing the best I can to ride out this storm.
On one hand I’m looking forward to three weeks of feeling entitled to focus solely on my recovery, but on the other hand I’m worrying about how my loved ones will cope while I’m away. I know my husband will be ok and he supports me wholeheartedly with going right now to treatment but I’m especially worried about my daughter who is struggling with her own mental health issues right now. A large part of me feels like I would be abandoning her when she needs me the most, but at the same time I need to be stronger so I can continue to be strong for her.
When the call first came in, I initially declined to attend right now because of everything that is going on in my life right now, but then I immediately called them back and told them I would take the spot. I decided that sometimes you have to put yourself first and that’s what I’m doing.
There’s never going to be a perfect time for me to go to treatment, however this is the perfect decision for me.