BLACK & WHITE

I see things in black and white. It’s part of the disorder of BPD and it can prove to cause a lot of difficulty in my life. For example, when my husband and I have a disagreement, I immediately go to the place where he must hate me. Because he can’t be upset with me and still love me can he? I know most of you are probably thinking “oh yes he can be upset with you but still love you” but my BPD tells me otherwise.

I tend to always go to extremes in many things I do. I am utterly obsessed with something for days or weeks at a time and just as easily will lose interest and never think of it again. I have many unfinished puzzles, projects and plans to remind me constantly of my distorted ways.

With such polarized thinking it’s easy to never feel connected to something. I find that it also impedes my ability to feel like I have an identity. With the constant “yes/no” thinking, I find myself liking something one day and the next day having no use for it. This also sometimes happens to a degree with relationships in my life – I’ve been close to people and then suddenly just not talk to them. It’s not something they’ve said or done wrong, it’s part of my illness.

Even though black and white thinking is difficult, I believe that it can be overcome. I’m trying to not be so quick as to give up on things that I like and push myself to stick with it. With relationships, I’m making more of an effort to maintain them and accept people as they are, and not how I think they should be.

I am going to keep looking for more colors in my crayon box than black or white.

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About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
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6 Responses to BLACK & WHITE

  1. The Shapeless Truth says:

    Hi, so I found your beautiful blog via Harsh Reality (big thanks to him!), and I was instantly drawn to it. I can’t say for sure why really, but I do know that I experience black and white thinking and to say its reeked havoc in my relationships is a huge understatement. I don’t know much about BPD but am privileged to follow your journey and I look forward to future posts!

  2. I’ve written an autobiographical book about my 19 year marriage to a woman with expert-confirmed narcissistic personality traits. In it, I use my experience as a framework upon which to interpret narcissism theory, in laywoman’s language. I propose a gender-based model of narcissism.

    I do get into how I think borderline works vis-a-vis narcissism, as they are related. With the caveat that I am neither a therapist nor an expert, I’d be happy for you to have a complimentary pre-release read. To see if you might be interested, have a look at the test reader feedback: http://navigator1965.wordpress.com/2014/03/31/how-to-write-the-book-that-malcolm-gladwell-wished-he-had-written/

    Your polarized thinking would technically be the split representation of objects. Through n fault of your own, your perception of events would diverge from perfect objective reality. (Not that you’re crazy or anything like that.) Going to the place where “he must hate me” may be a projection of your own inner fears of abandonment and lack of worth. These unconscious fears are triggered (through no fault of your own), and thus you unconsciously defend against them, by him becoming an unloving meanie.

    Your decision to accept people as they are and not how you think they should be is awesome, and I commend you for it. The perceived imperfections of others may be a reflection of your own inner sense of imperfection or unworthiness. In learning to overcome this with others, you may be learning to overcome this with yourself at the same time. This takes real courage with BPD – you should be proud of this (in a good way).

    No worries if you’re not interested, themirrorbooks@gmail.com if you are. Best wishes and <3.

  3. Janis Bunch says:

    Your obsession with things that wanes shortly thereafter really struck a chord with me. I have so many, many craft projects that I have started and never finished. I never equated it with black and white thinking before. Thanks for the insight!

  4. michreta says:

    Thank you for having the bravado to lay it all out on your blog. I truly admire you for that. I’m following now bc I’d love to follow your journey.

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