I see things in black and white. It’s part of the disorder of BPD and it can prove to cause a lot of difficulty in my life. For example, when my husband and I have a disagreement, I immediately go to the place where he must hate me. Because he can’t be upset with me and still love me can he? I know most of you are probably thinking “oh yes he can be upset with you but still love you” but my BPD tells me otherwise.
I tend to always go to extremes in many things I do. I am utterly obsessed with something for days or weeks at a time and just as easily will lose interest and never think of it again. I have many unfinished puzzles, projects and plans to remind me constantly of my distorted ways.
With such polarized thinking it’s easy to never feel connected to something. I find that it also impedes my ability to feel like I have an identity. With the constant “yes/no” thinking, I find myself liking something one day and the next day having no use for it. This also sometimes happens to a degree with relationships in my life – I’ve been close to people and then suddenly just not talk to them. It’s not something they’ve said or done wrong, it’s part of my illness.
Even though black and white thinking is difficult, I believe that it can be overcome. I’m trying to not be so quick as to give up on things that I like and push myself to stick with it. With relationships, I’m making more of an effort to maintain them and accept people as they are, and not how I think they should be.
I am going to keep looking for more colors in my crayon box than black or white.