“You Can Get Addicted to a Certain Kind of Sadness” – Gotye
I believe this to be true to a degree. Am I addicted to my sadness? My depression? I struggle with an addictive personality, so wouldn’t it make sense that this could be a true statement? I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to feel consistently happy – instead I seem to just have fleeting moments of happiness and for the most part, they are enough to sustain me during the dark times. But when will the dark times end? Is there an end in sight? I’d like to think so….that’s what gives me hope. HOPE is what keeps me going.
How do you find hope? When the skies are as grey as if a large storm was approaching, it’s easy to become engulfed in the fog. Feeling confused and disorientated is just part of my everyday life. Have you ever been driving in a bank of fog and you feel that sense of panic of not really knowing where you are – that’s what my depression feels like. I”m anxious, wondering if I’m going to make it through the heavy blankets to the clear skies that I know lie ahead.
Being addicted to sadness is as harmful as being addicted to heroin. It takes me away from experiencing life fully and living it to my fullest potential. It creates feelings of anger and resentment, and even jealousy. And then I judge myself for being angry and resentful and jealous – those are all “bad” feelings and I “shouldn’t” be feeling them – but then I try to take a step back and remind myself that feelings are real and they are just trying to tell me something. When I’m angry, it’s because of the injustice I feel about my illness. I didn’t ask for this burden, nor did I ask for the shame of being mentally ill. Instead of turning that anger inward and blaming myself for my illness, I try to remind myself that every person is going their own struggles n life and instead I try to turn my anger to compassion. Compassion for myself and for others for we are all fighting a fight. When I’m feeling envious, it’s because I so desperately want the happiness that I see others enjoying. I try to remind myself that everyone has struggles and just because someone appears to be happy, it doesn’t mean that their life is “easy”.
As I continue my journey towards living the best life I can live, I’m trying to curb my addiction. I’m going to try every single day to turn my mind to a positive thought when I find myself drifting away into the depths of sadness.