Want My Life Back

Do you ever get the feeling like you’re on auto-pilot? Like life is happening all around you, and life is happening to you, instead of you living life? I am feeling that way right now even as I write this post. I’m sure that I will read this tomorrow and wonder, “what the hell was I thinking” but writing seems to soothe my weary soul so it must come out.

I feel like I’m just a participant in this thing we call life. I can see myself doing my daily routine but there’s many moments that I cannot seem to account for in the day. I wonder where I go in these moments and what am I thinking?

I don’t know if this “fugue” is a side effect from the change in my medications or just a symptom of the BPD. Dissociation is very common in people living with BPD so I think this will have to go down on the “talk to the shrink list” that I keep in my phone.

All I know is that I don’t like the feeling of not being a full participant in my life. It’s an uneasy and unpleasant thing to deal with as part of my mental illness. It’s caused me to be forgetful of things I’ve said or done and when my words get repeated back to me I’m positive that I never said those things. It’s scary really, this not feeling in control. I want my life back.

That’s all.

Thoughts. Musings. Electrical Synapses.

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About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
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