Changes

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This is true in a lot of my life – I don’t know if it’s always about me changing or is it more about seeing things for what they truly are. I think that as I travel my journey, I’m becoming more comfortable in accepting reality for what it truly is. I was always living a life that I compared to everyone else and constantly judging my own experiences, attitudes and opinions as being unworthy or unimportant.

Therapy for me has focused a lot on the idea of “radical acceptance”. Stop fighting what is. The challenge for me has been to put this idea into action for myself, but in these moments of reflection I can in fact see that I AM. To start with, I struggled with what my immediate family was with the idea of what I thought we should be. I found it unnatural and uncomfortable the thought of not having a close relationship with my sister and parents as one group. I initially believed that a family HAS to stick together no matter what, but have since learned and accepted that sometimes you just have to break ties with toxic people. Having a relationship for the sake of “what will people think if we don’t?” Is no longer an option for me. I have accepted and embraced the fact that this person who I grew up with no longer deserves a place in the life I’ve built for myself. It sounds harsh and even cruel, but you get to a point where you realize that you have to live life on your own terms and I think that’s healthy.

I’ve also been working on accepting that I am a good person. I am kind and loving and compassionate, and I am sensitive. For many years I have struggled with having an estranged relationship with my oldest child. I won’t go into a lot of detail here, but it was difficult for me to believe that I had been a good mother to him. I loved him and I gave him a childhood to be happy about. We are working towards getting to know one another again but taking baby steps and I accept this. I was constantly comparing myself to other mothers who seemed to have such wonderful relationships with all their children and I laid blame solely at my own feet. This led to confusion for me because the reality was I didn’t have a great relationship with my son and it wasn’t about blame. Every story has a different perspective and I had to accept the facts and evidence as they were….not my own distorted view of things.

It’s like this…..you watch tv and you see all these “perfect” images of families and relationships and how everything is supposed to turn out and you start to believe that that world is reality and you can’t accept what is really happening in your own world. It creates a great deal of confusion and chaos in my mind as I sometimes have to step back and ask “is this real?” And in all honesty, sometimes it’s not. I’ve got those rose colored glasses on again comparing my life to “perfect lives”.

I’m on my way to changing my thoughts to fit my life as it really is. And that might mean I continue to change myself or see through some bullshit. Either way, it’s positive!

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About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
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