I have always struggled with feeling like I matter. The inner core of me doesn’t accept that I am worthy and I do matter. I’ve been working on changing this with the various therapies I’m in and I would have to say this is one of the most difficult challenges I’ve faced in my battle with BPD. Inside there’s still this little girl who believes that she’s really not that important and that if she just disappeared nobody would notice. Well, I’ve noticed that she’s been missing for too long! It’s time to find her secret hiding place and bring her out.
This little girl needs to be loved and nurtured all over again, so she can truly believe that she matters in the world. She missed out on that before and it’s up to me now to give her what she lost. I am trying to allow her childlike behaviours to emerge and embrace them as they do. We are on a path of self-discovery and I want it to be magical and happy for her and me.
My goal is to merge this sad little girl with the secure and confident woman that I’m working on becoming, so I don’t feel so “split” all the time. When stress comes up, I tend to let her take over even though she doesn’t have the skills to cope like I do. Her little voice often whispers to me that I’m not good enough and when I’m struggling, I tend to believe her. She’s not trying to hurt me, she’s just trying to protect us. It’s up to me to show her a new world – a world that her and I can flourish in together – I want her to experience love and laughter, happiness and joy.
There will be many times that her and I will have to experience sadness and pain, but I want her to know that it’s ok for us to be in the emotion, feel it and accept it. I want her to know that every part of her is important and she matters. Hopefully she will trust me enough and not run away and hide again.