A Meh Day

I have been feeling so out of sorts the last couple of weeks and I can’t put my finger on what might be triggering me. I know that mood swings are part of my disorder, but coping with them never gets much easier. I’ve learned to accept the emotions and try not to judge them, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling them. I’ve noticed myself disassociating more and I wonder if this is how I’m trying to cope with the feelings? I often feel like life is happening to me instead of feeling like a participant in my life.

Just kind of a “meh” day today – saw my doctor and we talked about maybe doing some volunteer work in my community to get myself involved in something. There’s a voice inside my head that’s saying “if you can volunteer then you should be able to work” and I feel ashamed and guilty to even think of volunteering before returning to my job. The thing I’m figuring out is this: I need to have the opportunity to engage with people, yet I cannot yet cope with the stress that comes with having to be somewhere at set times. I mean, what if I try again and end up relapsing and being worse off than I am right now? If I was volunteering and I was sick and couldn’t attend, I wouldn’t beat myself up so much but I tend to be harder on myself when it comes to work.

It’s tough, trying to just get my day to day activities done with the fatigue and depression battling for attention. I am tired of being tired. I want my old life back and all I can do is take each day at a time and reclaim what I can.

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About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
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