Where was I last Monday? Well I would have to say that I was miserable and lonely as I was fighting with my husband. We finally started to make some progress in resolving our disagreement by Tuesday afternoon and even though some of the issues are not completely resolved, we are no longer at the “I’m so angry I don’t want to look at you” stage. Thank goodness because for someone like me who has a mental illness, a disagreement blows up in my mind very easily to a catastrophe!
I immediately believed that our relationship was going to be over and that my husband had grown too weary of dealing with my never ending crap. It took a lot of consciously using my tools I learned in DBT to be in such distress. My mind kept finding more and more reasons to justify why my husband would end our relationship and I spent most of my time waiting for him to just say those words.
You see, when you have BPD, a simple argument feels like the end of the world. I have a difficult time accepting that people who love each other do have conflicts and that’s whAt a relationship is about – people are in love but they disagree and the strength of the relationship comes from each persons commitment to making the relationship work, despite the differences.
I always believed that conflict was BAD and when it reared its ugly head, I would just avoid it. I would give in to the other person immediately so they wouldn’t be angry with me, not realizing
that by doing so, I was denying my own feelings and building up resentment. If someone expressed a different viewpoint from mine, I would adopt their viewpoint, making my own self – image even blurrier. I always felt disagreeing meant disrespecting and it’s only this last episode that seems to have opened my eyes up to the truth.
Truth for me is this -my likes and dislikes, thoughts and beliefs make up who I am. In order to understand and have faith in who I am, I have to be able to defend those thoughts and stand up for my beliefs. Everything I do is because of the person I am inside. At the end of the day, I took a hard look at the person inside and I quite like her. She’s funny and kind, loving and compassionate and yes, a bit of a flake. She’s kooky and silly sometimes, dark and depressing at other times. Taking time to get to know her does require an effort, but so worth it.
My goal this week is to continue to nurture the things that make me happy. Taking care of my family is one thing and reading trashy novels happens to be another. This week I will work on getting to know that elusive creature who lives inside me.