It’s A Mad World

I begin by saying that my world is mad most of the time. And I don’t mean mad “angry”, I mean mad “crazy”. I seem to exist in an undercurrent of chaos, always brewing within or around me. This feeling of peacefulness is something I’ve heard of but have not experienced other than in fleeting moments. I find myself often surprised when I’m doing an emotional inventory on myself and discover peacefulness tucked away in there somewhere.

I strive to maintain a quiet and calm world, but chaos and disorder seem drawn to me, like a spider drawn to a fly caught in her web. That’s me, sitting there feeling stuck and trapped and wondering what the hell just happened and making her way across to me is that damn spider, aka chaos. She likes to toy with me and knows that i have no where to go. I plead with her to just let me go and be free, but she laughs and says that I’m hers and will never escape her clutches.

And as I sit there, tangled in her twisted web, I begin to feel sorry for myself. Oh poor me I think. I shouldn’t have been flying and I would have been safe. Yes, I could have stopped looking for happiness and serenity and probably would have avoided the chaos web, but is that life? Hiding? Being afraid?

There’s still hope for me to escape her clutches. A wind could come and blow down the web, someone could knock It down while cleaning, or perhaps the webmaster herself will disappear. So even though I feel trapped by the chaos, the ending may not be what I expect.

Ps – i don’t like spiders and willingly admit to killing any that I see – could this be karma?

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About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
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