Just Keeps Getting Better

I feel like I’ve made a turning point in my recovery. I have successfully avoided smoking for the last two days and I’m trying a new strategy to help me. Before when I would quit (and honestly this is attempt number 42 in the last year) I would always use the thinking that I was denying myself something. I always felt like a little child – angry that someone would tell me no! And that anger would drive me to sneak smokes I think as my way of being a rebel. I tell myself instead when the thought comes in about smoking that I deserve to be healthy and then tell myself how good it’s going to feel to not smell and cough and to have money in my pocket that I haven’t wasted on sticks of cancer. This method I hope will create the new path for my thoughts to travel and it will soon be my conditioned thought and the cravings will go away sooner. I also owe it to the people who love me – they want me around for a long time and for the first time, I get why they need me to quit. I may stumble along this journey, but I will not give up reaching my goal!
You see, i believe that when i was in my childhood development I think that something went a little off track in life and I missed out on some key emotional skills and coping strategies.

Like most children growing up in the 70’s, I was always told that my feelings were wrong and to behave myself. We all remember that children were to be seen and not heard right? Expressions of emotions were not encouraged unless they were “correct” and as a result, i ended up being delayed in my emotional development.

As I work on doing this, I’m looking at this as more of an opportunity to get to know myself. My childhood spark never really got a chance to turn into the woman that I think I wanted to be. And now, because I am in a safe place where I can express my emotions and not be judged for it, I see that little girl coming out from the curtain she’s been forced to hide behind for so long. She’s funny and bright and likes to be a bit of a prankster. She bursts out in song quite often and I’m letting her run free. I’m excited at the thought of having her in my life more often!

Things just get better and better. Today was a great day with my loved ones.

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About wendyenberg

Living the best life I can with BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and PTSD. Mental illness won't stop me from achieving my dreams - it will inspire me to keep fighting harder.
This entry was posted in marriage and children, mental illness and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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