Well, it’s now official that I have given in my work note. I’m off for the next while. Had individual therapy yesterday and was held accountable for missing my last appointment and not calling for a week to let her know why. I know that she was just letting me know what her boundaries and expectations were, but I felt like such a little girl being scolded and it triggered those intense emotions of fear and shame. Fear that she would stop liking me (and to be honest, I’m not even sure that liking me is necessary) and fear that she would abandon me. Tell me I was kicked out. And shame that I didn’t follow the rules – was I sabotaging myself?
I did get a lot accomplished yesterday though. Contacted the two hospitals that offer the day psychotherapy programs and for one I need a doctor referral so I immediately booked an appointment with my doc to do that. There’s a wait list of about 45 days for this program. The other one has a referral form that needs to be faxed to my individual therapist so got that arranged. That program (it is the preferred one) had a 4-5 month wait list! Yikes!
In the meantime, I’m signed up for the interpersonal relationship module of the DBT therapy and will access that if nothing else pans out.
Today was group DBT (emotional regulation skills module) and it was a helpful day. We talked about how emotions are like waves and a lot of Behaviours and reactions arise from how I interpret events. So for this week I’m going to try to interpret things with a wise mind – and perhaps ward off escalating emotionally wise and then getting caught up in the waves.
This journey hasn’t been easy. I’ve experienced many setbacks in my recovery but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will continue to get frustrated and face challenges but I believe I can do this. I have to do this in order to live the life I deserve to live.
Hugs to all.