Usually when I write this blog I try to be upbeat and positive. I want to give readers the opportunity to share in my life and my struggles with BPD, but looking back, I was only sharing the “good” stuff. I’ve been afraid to post some of the “down” stuff to coping with BPD but today I choose to share it with you. It’s a reminder that I’m still in recovery, not recovered.
The last month has been incredibly up and down with my emotions and its been a battle to try to stay on an even keel. I’ve spent a great deal of time helping others and in the process I have neglected myself. I didn’t realize how many triggers have been set off until this week, when I felt overwhelmed with fatigue and sadness.
As I’ve mentioned in my blog before, I’ve been helping a dear loved one get the mental health services she needs, and been an advocate for her when she couldn’t be that for herself. Going to the appointments at the same place I spent some time was like a walk down memory lane for me. This facility was where I was introduced to the first round of DBT like therapy that did manage to keep me stable for almost two years. I’m happy that this loved one will be getting into the day therapy program and I’m excited at what changes she will experience on her journey. It’s not an easy path to go down, but it is the only way to escape the rabbit hole.
I also had someone very dear to me express that she’s struggling with her mental health. She wasn’t sleeping (chronic lack of sleep can be a huge factor in mental stability) and she was having suicidal thoughts. I did get her connected with some services and will continue to advocate for her and guide her to continuing to seek help. Growing up is hard to do and if I can help this young person have supports in place, perhaps her youth won’t be as tumultuous as my own was.
In helping others, I’ve forgotten about myself. Time to put me at the front of the line for getting support from myself as I seek to make the positive changes I need to in order to be healthy. I owe it to myself, my husband and my loved ones. Today is Mothers Day and the best gift I can give myself is to start nurturing the beautiful soul that lives inside me.
I have to begin to consciously eat healthier. I already am pretty good at making healthy meals, but I’m horrible at eating at proper times. Starting today, I am going to make it my mission to eat smaller, more frequent meals so that I maintain a healthy blood sugAr. I think I experience a lot of ups and downs based on this and making one slight change may impact me in a lot of ways.
I’m also starting today to go for a twenty minute walk at least once a day. I’m going to try three times a day, but for now the minimum is once a day. Walking is a low impact exercise that has many benefits. I plan to start slow and build up my stamina.
And the third change I’m making today? Quitting smoking again. I’m tired of the nagging cough, the shame and anger I feel at myself for being hooked on this habit, and the drain of money it costs to smoke. I’m an emotional smoker more than anything and there’s the smokes that are hard to give up…the one in the morning with coffee, the ones after a meal, and when I’m driving. My husband has quit now for over three weeks!! I just have to be really committed to these changes.
Most people can incorporate these changes into their day to day lives but I struggle to do so. If I have any stresses or issues that come up, I tend to throw out any work I’m doing on myself so that I can help and please others. I have to view myself as an important project and focus on making myself healthy.
I’m friends with many people who have BPD and a lot of them that are in recovery themselves have had to do the same. We need intensive therapy and support to guide us through the important and life saving changes we must make. I must take the time and energy to really immerse myself in healing myself – finding the right therapies for myself, making the positive changes and then staying true to these when stress appears,
The unhealthy habits I’ve formed didn’t happen overnight and so many of them are ties to emotional stressors that they won’t be easy to break. But, you have to consistently try something for at least 30 times before it becomes a habit. I’ve usually only given it a week and tell myself that it must not be working. This is simply an excuse on my part to fall back into what is familiar and comfortable. Unhealthy, but familiar.
Stay with me my friends as I head down this new and scary path. I’m turning the microscope on myself and am dedicating my resources to making good changes. I’m going to slip, have relapses and struggle – but I’m not going to give up.
I may have fallen apart recently, but just as I have in the past, ill put myself together. I always do because I am awesome.