Am feeling ashamed and for the first time, I do understand that I do deserve it. You see, I made a promise a year and a half ago to someone very important that I would quit smoking. And I haven’t followed through on that promise. I’ve tried – many times I’ve tried – and I’m going to keep on trying until I get it done. I understand that it’s not following through on the promise that’s one thing – but knowing that I’m being selfish when I smoke, because what am I leaving behind if I die early??
Perhaps the reason I struggle with the concept of dying from smoking is because up until the last five years, I didn’t put much value into my life. Twice I brought myself to the very edges of final darkness – I’m still working on valuing myself. I’m not blaming my inability to quit in the past on my mental illness. Just because my mind is wired differently it doesn’t excuse me from acting responsibly and doing what I can do to be here to the people that I matter so much to.
Knowing that I matter is important. Many of us with BPD struggle with our value and self worth. I always felt invisible and ghost like and believed that if I disappeared, NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. This view of myself is so entrenched in my definition of self and its truly one of the hardest obstacles I’ve faced in recovery.
Day by day I get stronger and new paths are forming. At work I’m typing a manual on normal childhood development and its triggered a lot of thinking of my own childhood. I see how things that may have happened while I was young could have delayed my social and emotional development in my brain. Like physically! The wiring and electricity could be different. Combine that with a likely genetic component to mental illness and it created the perfect storm of who I am today.
Knowing what I know forces me to make a change. Today I quit smoking. May 4, 2013. May the fourth be with me but I’m gonna kick this bitch to the curb!!